United they fall, divided they are

There is trouble in the nation’s capital that has nothing to do with an unpopular war, taxes or global warming. Major League Soccer’s winningest soccer club DC United is awful. Really, awful! How awful, you ask? Their recent loss to the Kansas City Wizards was the absolute worst game that they have ever played and that includes the nightmare of 2000 when they only won eight games under Dutch coach Thomas “Wrong-Again”.

Should you panic DC fans? Well, not yet, but the problems extend beyond a slow, bloated Bolivian that Bob’s brother (see last post) would blame for United’s woes. The real culprit is a suspect defense and a team that looks about as disjointed and confused as a Corey Haim interview. When considering the team’s success last year, many fans are scratching their heads, as Colorado, Kansas City and Columbus seemed to carve up the United defense with ease. Granted that their last game against the Crew was played in a driving rainstorm (complete with a lightening delay), the goal they allowed was soft. How soft? It was scored by resort-island national Ezra Hendrickson, with his foot for fuck’s sake, as his long, stick like legs awkwardly knocked back a rebound through a shattered DC defense. The 35-year-old, 6’3” EZ hasn’t scored a goal with his foot since Milton Cato issued the referendum to make St. Vincent and the Grenadines the last of the Windward Islands to gain independence on the 10th anniversary of its associate statehood status.

Goalkeeper Troy Perkins summed up their current struggles in The Washington Post:

“If this happened in the middle of the season, it would be a little different … But we haven't gotten a win yet and we've given up seven goals in three games. It's tough to sleep at night, I'll tell you that. It's not a good environment to set for these guys right now.”

And who sets that environment? Who decided to shake up the backline by inserting Devon McTavish for Facundo Erpen, while keeping a dreadful Brian Carroll in the line-up?

After the dismissal of Polish pit bull Peter Nowak, United named long-time assistant Tom Soehn as their new head coach. This decision, likely made to reward Soehn’s loyalty, was a mistake and although they are only three games in, I will be surprised if Soehn lasts till the All-Star break. The players do not seem to be gelling under his direction. It’s a shame because they looked good in the preseason CONCACAF Champion’s Cup against CD Olimpia and CD Guadalajara.

If DC is to right this sinking ship, then it needs to see if it can get a few more hands on deck to bail all this water that they are taking on. Crew Stadium wasn’t the only think soaked on Saturday. Maybe they can call some players up from the DC United reserves, as the Post reports, at least they won they’re opener.