Dear Mr. Lalas

This is a letter regarding the recent fortunes of the particular club under your management, branded as the Los Angeles Galaxy soccer club. The triumph of signing Mr. David Beckham and the subsequent speculations regarding Mr. Beckham’s malady must weigh heavily upon your spirit in these dark times when victories seem as illusory as an oasis in Death Valley. The following correspondence has been composed in hopes that I may be of some assistance to your club.

You have called Los Angeles “the jewel of MLS” and indeed the recent attendance figures in our nation’s capital and in Foxboro add weight to your characterization. So it follows that if the “jewel of MLS” were to miss out on the playoffs, it would be to the grave detriment of the fiduciary dealings of the league.

So, I tender this epistle to suggest some remedies (writ below) for your struggling club. I hope you will consider each for the sake of the Los Angeles Galaxy and of Major League Soccer.

Yours truly,
TYH

Jozy Altidore/Claudio Reyna for Landon Donovan/Chris Klein
Now, New York will not part ways with the talented Jozy Altidore easily, but that is why you must offer the Galaxy’s original poster boy – Landon Donovan. Let’s face it. Landon isn’t happy these days. All those comments you’ve made about the necessity of having players who can deal with the Beckhamization of the team, they have been directed at the LanDo, have they not? I mean, the guy goes from being the star of the team to being that creepy dude with the bad dye job and the receding hairline (Perez Hilton can be so cruel). So, LanDo’s square head must be squarely on the trading block already. New York was a rumored destination for him a few seasons ago. Why not make it happen now? To sweeten the pot, you can agree to take Captain America off their hands. Reyna, a once magnificent player, injures himself more than Steve-O at a mousetrap and glue gun convention. He’s an albatross for New York, but a change in scenery could rejuvenate the battered hero. Captain America and Captain Britain fighting side by side. Like Bush and Blair, it’s destined to be a successful.

Maurice Edu for Kevin Harmse
This trade would provide Los Angeles with speed, a quality the current squad sorely lacks. Ok, that’s an understatement; it’s like saying Lindsay Lohan lacks sound moral judgment. But Maurice Edu would be a nice upgrade for Los Angeles on either flank and Kevin Harmse would be an irresistible pick-up for Toronto. A mediocre Canadian player that isn’t already playing for them? They’d be frothing at the mouth. And we all know how MoJo loves those Canadians.

Jim Carrey for Drew Carey
Ok, it must be kind of cool having Dilbert cheering for your club, but that is so BB (Before Beckham). Jennifer Love Hewitt attended the Chelsea match for god’s sake! The freakin’ ghost whisperer! It’s time to move off the C-List and onto the A-List. Why not get a good return on Drew’s value now by trading him for Jim Carrey? Wouldn’t you rather have a box office giant and star of such hits as “The Cable Guy” and “Ace Ventura”? Jim Carrey may be Canadian, but Drew Carey’s heart really is in Cleveland, and if they get a team, he’s gone anyway. Plus, his game show really sucks (I mean really really sucks). Furthermore, Jim dates Jenny McCarthy. Jenny McCarthy, Katie Holmes and Posh Spice in the same press box? Did I hear Bravo reality show?

Lalas for Lalas
Ok, I know you may bristle like Rob Zombie at a church picnic, but you have to think outside the box on this one. You have to admit that your mouth sometimes gets you into trouble these days; whereas, your brother can barely utter a coherent sentence. No more worrying about what you might have said about the piss poor quality of the English Premier League, how Beckham is bigger than Jordan, or how your album Ginger was a underappreciated masterpiece that left Dylan in your dusty wake. The Galaxy GM would no longer be under the microscope because no one would want to listen to a Greg Lalas press conference. I mean, honestly, have you even listened to an entire episode of MLS Extratime? And they’re like 15 minutes long.

Houston Dynamo for Beckham, LLC.
My final suggestion requires real gravitas (meaning big balls). Trade away the biggest signing in franchise history and the man responsible for making you relevant again. That’s right, trade David Beckham. If you truly want Los Angeles to get into the playoffs this year, you will need to make a move that will address all of your club's deficiencies at once. And no other player on your club could bring in the amount of talent in exchange than Sir Becks. So trade Spice Boy for the entire Houston Dynamo franchise because that is the only way that you are going to assure yourself a spot in the playoffs. Bold, I know, but as Ovid (I think he was the dog in the Garfield comics) once said, “The gods favor the bold.”