United they fall, divided they are

There is trouble in the nation’s capital that has nothing to do with an unpopular war, taxes or global warming. Major League Soccer’s winningest soccer club DC United is awful. Really, awful! How awful, you ask? Their recent loss to the Kansas City Wizards was the absolute worst game that they have ever played and that includes the nightmare of 2000 when they only won eight games under Dutch coach Thomas “Wrong-Again”.

Should you panic DC fans? Well, not yet, but the problems extend beyond a slow, bloated Bolivian that Bob’s brother (see last post) would blame for United’s woes. The real culprit is a suspect defense and a team that looks about as disjointed and confused as a Corey Haim interview. When considering the team’s success last year, many fans are scratching their heads, as Colorado, Kansas City and Columbus seemed to carve up the United defense with ease. Granted that their last game against the Crew was played in a driving rainstorm (complete with a lightening delay), the goal they allowed was soft. How soft? It was scored by resort-island national Ezra Hendrickson, with his foot for fuck’s sake, as his long, stick like legs awkwardly knocked back a rebound through a shattered DC defense. The 35-year-old, 6’3” EZ hasn’t scored a goal with his foot since Milton Cato issued the referendum to make St. Vincent and the Grenadines the last of the Windward Islands to gain independence on the 10th anniversary of its associate statehood status.

Goalkeeper Troy Perkins summed up their current struggles in The Washington Post:

“If this happened in the middle of the season, it would be a little different … But we haven't gotten a win yet and we've given up seven goals in three games. It's tough to sleep at night, I'll tell you that. It's not a good environment to set for these guys right now.”

And who sets that environment? Who decided to shake up the backline by inserting Devon McTavish for Facundo Erpen, while keeping a dreadful Brian Carroll in the line-up?

After the dismissal of Polish pit bull Peter Nowak, United named long-time assistant Tom Soehn as their new head coach. This decision, likely made to reward Soehn’s loyalty, was a mistake and although they are only three games in, I will be surprised if Soehn lasts till the All-Star break. The players do not seem to be gelling under his direction. It’s a shame because they looked good in the preseason CONCACAF Champion’s Cup against CD Olimpia and CD Guadalajara.

If DC is to right this sinking ship, then it needs to see if it can get a few more hands on deck to bail all this water that they are taking on. Crew Stadium wasn’t the only think soaked on Saturday. Maybe they can call some players up from the DC United reserves, as the Post reports, at least they won they’re opener.

Think I was too tough on Greg Sutton?

Check out the highlights of Toronto vs. KC
Click here

Bob Bradley's brother takes a break from covering baseball

http://web.mlsnet.com/news/mls_news.jsp?ymd=20070424&content_id=90247&vkey=news_mls&fext=.jsp

In the interest of full disclosure, let me start by saying I do not particularly like the Bradleys, either the current U.S. interim coach (at least until the USSF can raise enough money for a real coach) Bob or his shill-journalist and constant cheerleader brother Jeff, who wrote the article I have linked above.

Back before Bob got his dream job as caretaker to the national team, he coached a couple MLS clubs where I had the displeasure of interviewing him for several pieces. I found him to be obnoxious and obtuse and any other “ob” word that means an “ass.” Bradley comes from the Bob Knight school of media management: treat all reporters like scum and act as if any questions they ask are the dumbest things you’ve ever heard. Granted I spent enough time at press conferences to know that reporters do ask stupid questions, but we’re not all Michael Lewis.

I’ll give you an example. Back in his Chicago Fire days, I had the displeasure of interviewing him at the MLS Superdraft about the possibility of the Fire drafting a young American player who was still weighing his Euro options but who was likely to end up in MLS. He literally went bonkers during the interview, yelling at me that I was stupid to ask that, that he would be violating MLS rules by drafting a player who hadn’t signed yet (which wasn't and isn't technically true). And when I asked if he was going to pursue him after the draft, he completely flipped and ended the interview. Of course a few weeks after the draft this player was signed to the league and, wow, where did he get allocated, the Chicago Fire. Shocking, right? I have no proof that there was a backroom deal to keep him out of the draft, but judging by his reaction I might have been on to something. I don’t remember the player’s name and Bradley was eventually booted from the Fire, so the deal is of little significance in the grand scheme of things, but I think it demonstrates what an asshole Bradley is.

Jeff, well, I never really had contact with him, except at the occasional NY match (usually one his brother was coaching in) when he would waltz in among the peasants and MLS PR would fall over themselves to bask in the warm glow of his ESPN credentials. Was I jealous? Sure. Who wouldn’t be jealous of a soccer journalist who actually got to write maybe two single-page articles a year for the magazine and never, ever got on ESPN unless it was a World Cup year and Tommy Onion-Bags was on vacation. The majority of ESPN could give two shits about MLS, which is why he only really writes about soccer for mlsnet now. “Special to mlsnet.com” indeed. He’s special, all right. He’s being borrowed from baseball stories that no one cares about. Anyway, let’s have at his “special” comments concerning the MLS three weeks into the season.

He’s certainly no Halberstam (R.I.P.) -- as the cliché that begins his intro for his “First IX” where the season is a “train pulling out of a station” (good one) and we must make a “leap of faith” -- reveals. And it’s no shock that such a NY-homer would start with a complement to the NY Energy Drinks. As I stated in my last post (a week before his, I might add), the team that gives you wings could be getting its own this season in the form of Juan Pablo Angel. Jeff drools a bit much over Captain American (R.I.P.), calling him the quarterback. I hate when soccer writers feel the need to relate soccer to other sports because they assume that their audience is unfamiliar with the rudiments of the world’s game. For those of you unfamiliar with his terminology, a quarterback is a position in the American version of rugby.

Number 10 is a no-brainer: Toronto might be in trouble. Duh. And “300” might not win an Oscar. Toronto was 'canucked' when they hired Mo Johnston as their coach and then selected Greg Sutton as their keeper. What was that all a-boot? Sutton was in MLS five years ago, and he allowed 12 goals in five games. So far, he’s allowed six in two. I know he’s Canadian, but, sheesh! They should see if Martin Brodeur is available.

Number 9 is about Real (pronounced “quueeerrr” sound it out, try to sound like you’re from Boston … it’s ok, I’ll give you a minute) Salt Lake. But who cares? I pray to the Mormon god everyday that they move that team to Seattle or Portland or Punxsutawney or anywhere else. That franchise does nothing but give soccer-haters in this country fresh ammunition. The whitest state in the union and they name themselves after a Spanish club? Why didn’t they just call them Bayern Salt Lake 1860 Munchausen?

Finally he brings up something interesting in Number 8, a real bulletin, insider info that you expect from someone working at the Worldwide Leader of Baseball and Others. This just in. Jeff’s reporting that DC United need Jaime Moreno not to suck. Wow! Things sure are bleak in the nation’s capital, then. Whether Jaime is able to play well this season should not be the key to United’s success. Unless he’s a moron, team president Thomas Payne, the early favorite for Dr. Bob’s post before Roberto Benigni look-alike Sunil Gulati was handed the executive washroom key to the USSF, isn’t putting all his eggs in one 33-year-old, chubby Bolivian basket. And Payne isn’t a moron. I met the man and he deserves respect if only for not allowing DC to be named something idiotic like the Washington Nationals. DC is certainly sputtering early but they are much too talented to not get back on track with or without Jaime Moreno. The player to watch in DC isn't number 99; it's number 11, 29-year-old Luciano Emilio.

In number 7, he’s shilling for something called the Honda SuperClasico, which sounds like a gas-powered pasta maker, but is actually Chivas USA versus Los Angeles. This could be a fun LA derby. Chivas is TYH’s darkhorse pick this season and has looked stellar in the first three games, dropping a tight 1-0 decision to the defending Champs Houston, while beating the snot out of Toronto and Salt Lake. The Galaxy could be a big disappointment if they can’t keep pace until Spice Boy's arrival, but as Jeff told us, the train is just leaving the harbor or something like that.

Numbers 6-4 bore me. The only item worth mentioning is the Herron hit on Heap, which was despicable. Heaps should have dropkicked him and then dropped a deuce on his unconscious face. Sure these guys have a history that started when Herron was with the Fire, but it was a total cheap shot. MLS should send Herron home to Ticoland, and referee Ricardo Salaza should go with him. TYH isn’t a Revs fan, but we support tough Americans like Jay Heaps. Next time bite his kneecaps, Jay.

Number 3 is about Taylor Twellman, and TYH loves Twellman. This patriot came home from Germany to play in MLS, and has been a star since his first season. It was a crime to keep him off the national team in Germany ’06. And, as much as it pains us, we hope that Jeff is right (cringe) because we want Twells to get his 20, too, if only so he can rub it in Arena's stupid face.

Numbers 2 and 1 say almost nothing. Here is a summary. Brian Ching needs to stay healthy if Houston is to repeat and Colorado is the new Miami Fusion. The new Miami? Are they going to have their best season in franchise history and then get eliminated as a franchise? They are 1-1-1, calm down, Jeff. And when you see your brother, give a rochambeau from TYH.

Who will have the biggest impact on MLS?

Red Bulls Welcome Angel with Open Arms
Aston Villa star Juan Pablo Angel joins Spice Boy and Sir Hops-a-lot (Blanco) as MLS's third marquee signing this season, so who will have the greatest impact on the league this season.

There's no touching Becks if our criteria for impact includes off-field endorsements or any other economic criteria (ticket sales, merchandise, etc.), although Blanco and Angel will bring in the fans in certain markets. However, regarding the on-the-pitch impact, Angel is head and shoulders above (pun intended) the other two. First of all, his early arrival, relative to Becks and Blanco, means Angel will have more pitch time. The club plans to bring him in as soon as he secures a work visa, which will take a matter of weeks, as opposed the months that LA and Chicago will wait for their stars.

Second, Angel's style of play will suit both MLS and his coach much better and much quicker than either Beckham or Blanco. Both Beckham and Blanco will probably be used in attacking midfielder roles and will have to rely on their teammates a lot more than the opportunistic goal-scorer Angel. Blanco, for example, will likely play a kind of Stoitchkovian role for Chicago, coming in late in games in either central midfield or in a withdrawn forward spot and will need to work well with their teammates to produce offense. Beckham will certainly be more successful in creating off set pieces solo, while Blanco's frustration with his Chicago teammates will build (as it did with Stoitchkov) until he becomes a disruptive force in the locker room. I don't anticipate Blanco and Chris Rolfe to become some sort of dynamic duo, after all. Plus, the 34-year-old oft-injured Mexican can’t hop like he used to.

Beckham, on the other hand, could be a bit more successful in his new Galaxy, but the adjustment will take some time, time that they won't have since he will be coming at the midway point of the season. Additionally, although Beckham will certainly score goals off set pieces, I do not anticipate an explosion of multi-goal games, as MLS defenses are vastly underrated in the professional world and will certainly stymie any one-dimensional attack that a solo-Beckham might try to put together. Plus, Beckham's off-the-field celebritizing will have its effect on team chemistry. There was already some grousing about his salary. Speaking of solo-Beckham attacks, what happens when he releases that rap album? (Note to Becks: please, Beckham, release a rap album. You would make TYH's day, please! Can you imagine it would sound like Avril Lavigne covering Chuck D, awesome!)

For NY Energy Drink fans, they might think that Angel was sent from above. His goal-poaching, tall frame and skill with his back to goal fits perfectly with Arena's style and will blend nicely with Captain America's delivery. And I can't believe I'm saying this...but the once bloated cowboy Clint might actually be making a comeback that will assist in their offensive firepower. Of course, all this bodes well for NY, but not for the TYH because it just means more Messing-anic idiocy from Shepp (see last post) who will no doubt gloat like a school girl over their success.

Of course, all three could break their ankles, making this entire debate moot.

He's Messing up MLS

Shepp Messing’s comment during the NY-RSL match on April 7 that Freddy Adu should be called “Freddy Who” until he “does something” was not only retarded, it was possibly the dumbest thing the former 3rd-rate goalkeeper and Pele jock strap holder has ever, ever said. And that is saying a lot. Messing represents the very worst of the MLS broadcasting effort, which is essentially to hire former players (i.e. Balboa, Wynalda, etc.) and then put them with hockey play-by-play guys.

Adu was signed to be a professional before he could drive and told constantly that he was the messiah of U.S. soccer. He, no doubt, got more money (and more tail) than a 14-year-old would know what to do with, and then he was thrust into the spotlight, as the poster boy for a fledgling league that needed a boost after Florida contraction, lost money and minimal press. And Adu brought that attention in a big way. They talked about him on PTI, Sportscenter, The Today Show, even on terrestrial sports (read: baseball) talk radio. He “did something” before he even played a game. He might have even saved American pro soccer before he laced up. Messing should be on his knees thanking Freddy Adu for providing him with a job.

Lest we forget, he could have fled to England or Spain and finished secondary school in a soccer-specific country, instead of hoping for some soccer-specific stadiums to play in. He chose America, chose patriotism and was rewarded with a spot on the DC bench. Oh, former DC United coach Peter Nowak played him -- mainly late in games and out of position -- and expected the small-framed finesse player to play like a big, ugly bulldozer (read: Peter Nowak, Chicago Fire ’98). I suspect Nowak was a bit jealous of the youngster, and so when Adu finally acted his age and complained, Nowak gladly played the part of the bitter teacher who takes his own failures out on his brightest students.

And bright Adu is. A spark that could light the engine of Real Salt Lake this season. Adu is still the most skillful dribbler of any American I have ever seen play in my 15+ years of watching American soccer, and he’s only 17 years old. And now he’s in a much better situation. Former U.S. youth national team coach John Ellinger gets him and understands where he should play, and mark my words, Adu will flourish this year.

As for that stupid comment from the NY Energy Drinks cheerleader…all I can say is, Shepp who?

P.S. Check out the moustache in the pic. Does he have to alert his neighbors every time he moves?

The Yankee Hooligan is back!

TYH is back! It is clear that with the recent assassination of poor Claudio Reyna (a.k.a., Captain America) that a new beacon of hope for U.S. soccer be—hold on…my helpers are telling me that it was actually the fictional Captain America of Marvel Comics who was murdered, not Claudio Reyna. But, oh no! Reyna’s fate is much worse, it appears, as he must play for the NY Energy Drinks this season, under everybody’s favorite bloated, Long Islander and World Cup-bust Bruce Arena. The Yankee Hooligan, a former soccer media-type, turned masked avenger of U.S. soccer, is back to skewer non-believers and trumpet the righteousness of soccer in America. Be afraid, Shepp Messing, be very afraid.