Please stop letting little Bradley write about soccer

Jeff Bradley released another Best XI column on mlsnet.com. Typical insipid, worthless commentary from ESPN's part-time soccer writer.

In it he tells us his favorite XI things about Major League Soccer (like we care) and then precedes to rattle off the most obvious of lists. I mean his insights make Shep Messing look like a Harvard grad (wait a minute).

So, he likes the (11) playoff race (yawn), all the (10) trades (“I never thought I'd see the day when I turned on an MLS game and saw a guy in uniform who had been traded unbeknownst to me.” Come on, my mom knows more about what’s going on in MLS right now and she still think Adu plays for United), and the (9) brilliant debuts (he cites “Carlos Toja in Dallas” Carlos? Has Juan’s brother been signed. C’mon, he was the star of the All-Star match which was last night and you can’t get his name right?!)*.

He also likes (8) dominant teams (“Houston Dynamo are looking like the team to beat, and I don't think it's just their ability to rock and roll on national television ... they're just flat good.” Wow, I haven’t seen this ability to grasp and state the obvious since Marcelo Balboa pretended to be a color commentator), (7) high drama (“It could not be any more dramatic than what's been laid out for Mr. Beckham…” Sure it could, what if for every Galaxy game we dipped Beckham’s shorts in liver and then had Michael Vick release his dogs at the opening whistle), and (6) the race for the golden boot (yawn).

His Top 5 are as exciting as reading the User License Agreement for downloaded porn video software. He loves (5) atmosphere (Who doesn’t love being able to breath?), (4) pressure cookers (Who doesn’t love a little high-altitude goulash?), (3) Home boys (I actually agree with this one. I thought “Hanging with the Homeboys” was a vastly underrated comedy, starring Mario Joyner and John Leguizamo), (2) Soccer in Canada (“I'm not going to pretend to know much about soccer North of the Border, but I do know they lost a baseball team in Montreal a few years back...” (Why would a soccer journalist know more about baseball in Canada than soccer? Because he’s not a soccer journalist), and the final reason Bradley loves MLS in 2007 …

(1) Three in the booth. (Look I’m a fan of the ménage a trios as much as the next guy, but then you have to buy lotions and robes and things. Plus, Rob Stone, Eric Wynalda and Tommy Smyth is a pretty disgusting threesome. But it would bring new meaning to the phrase, “This commentator blows”)

Stick to baseball Bradley and give up "covering" MLS. We all know you haven’t followed what has been happening in the league since your only source got the national team job.

P.S. Just so you don’t think that TYH hates all other soccer writers at the Worldwide Leader in Every Sport Sans Soccer. I really enjoy reading Andrea Canales. Here’s a link to her archive. I don't always agree with her analysis, but at least she knows Juan from Carlos.

* For the record, Juan's full name is Juan Carlos Toja Vega, but I don't think Bradley was given special permission to call him "Carlos", when everyone else calls him Juan.