The Good, the Bad and the Ugly in MLS

[Republished from July 9 as we reach the All-Star break]

As Major League Soccer nears midseason and its All-Star break, TYH examines the good, the bad and the ugly of MLS.

The Good – These teams have been solid all year or have discovered the winning formula recently and have the skilled players to make it last. They also have a real shot at winning the MLS Cup and will be tough to beat in the playoffs.

1) HOUSTON – After a slow start, the Dynamo are poised for a possible repeat as Cup champions. After losing five of their first eight matches, Houston shot up the table with 26 points in the next six matches. They appear to be on track and will be getting back an important piece of the puzzle in Ricardo Clark, who has been away on Copa America and Gold Cup duty for the national team. If defense wins championships, then Houston are poised to pick up more hardware this year.

Keys to victory: All of Houston’s losses have been by one goal and four out of the five have been 1-0 losses. Their defense is the best in MLS. Therefore, Houston’s key to victory is quite simple … they need to score. The Orange have just 21 goals in 16 games, the third-lowest output of any team over .500 (even after their recent 4-0 win over NY). Injuries to Paul Daglish and recently to Brad Davis made the trade for journeyman forward Nate Jacqua a necessity, and the earlier trade to acquire Joseph Ngwenya is already paying dividends. But the Dynamo need both Brian Ching and Dwayne DeRosario to score in order to get back to the final.

Players to watch: Ricardo Clark, Dwayne DeRosario

TYH’s Cracked Crystal Ball: The DeRo contract dispute will be a factor in second half of the season and into the playoffs. Suprisingly, Houston will be bumped by Toronto in the first round and many will doubt DeRo’s loyalties.
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2) NEW ENGLAND – The Revs could be the ’00s version of the Galaxy. Always the bridesmaids, never the bride. Having lost in the final in 2002, 2005 and 2006, MLS All-Star coach Steve Nicol is hoping the 2007 Revs have what it takes to finally win it all. So far, Nicol has New England humming along, even without their star striker. Their defense and goalkeeping has been particularly solid. But the second half of the season will be the true test for the Revs.

Keys to victory: The Revolution are hoping that Taylor Twellman can return to form after his Copa America and Gold Cup duty, but they will need more productivity from Pat Noonan and Adam Cristman if they hope to advance to the final again this year. Andy Dorman needs to continue his stellar play of the first half of the season, as well. The Revs aren’t an extremely deep team in either the midfield or up top, so they need to avoid injuries. The play of midfielders Jeff Larentowicz and Steve Ralston will be critical to their success.

Players to watch: Andy Dorman, Adam Cristman

TYH’s Cracked Crystal Ball: The Revs will advance to the final for the third straight year, and for the third straight year they will lose. Oh, and the halftime show will still suck.
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3) DALLAS – The Burn, oops, I mean, FC Dallas have been near the top of the table all season, mainly because they have played two to three more games than the rest of the field. But they have been one of the most consistent teams as well, boasting a 6-3-1 record in their last 10 matches. Unlike many of the top teams, Dallas haven’t had to rely on one individual to supply the goals. Juan Toja, who is tied with Kenny Cooper (now out with a broken leg) for most goals (4), could prove to be the most valuable (on-the-field) acquisition by any team in a year that has seen quite a few quality marquee players added to the league.

Keys to victory: Ah, the great sports cliché: “this team is their own worst enemy” or “this team controls its own fate.” Both clichés are certainly true in this case. Dallas, on paper, is solid from front to back. Although they may not have superstars at any one position, Coach Steve Morrow has them playing well together. With Cooper sidelined, Carlos Ruiz needs to step up and return to the form he showed last year. Toja could be a prolific player and an important player in the playoffs, but he is going to need some help. That help might come from the boot of American youngster Dax McCarty who has set up four goals for Dallas so far.

Players to watch: Juan Toja, Dax McCarty

TYH’s Cracked Crystal Ball: FC Dallas … MLS Cup Champions. Order your ugly striped shirts now. Operators are standing by.
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4) KANSAS CITY – Is Kansas City one of the top teams in MLS or are they frauds? It doesn’t matter because no one cares apparently. With average attendance of just over 9,000 (and these are MLS statistics where they count vendors, security guards, ticket rippers, mascots and anyone driving by the stadium during the match), KC seems to be without its Sunshine Band. They have also been without “I’ll-be-a-star-when-I-feel-like-it” Eddie Johnson, due to national team call-ups. They have just three points in six matches and appear to be headed the wrong direction as we near the All-Star break.

Keys to victory: The Wizards just need their Harry Potter back. Davy Arnaud and Scott Sealy are not their go-to guys and they need Johnson back if they hope to make a run in the second-half. Before he left, Johnson scored back-to-back hat-tricks, but more importantly, the Wizards are 5-0 when Johnson scores a goal. Only Johnson stop the downward slide that KC appear to be on since he left. They will need the cast of supporting characters to also step up. Young players like Yura Movsisyan and Michael Harrington need to grow up fast.

Players to watch: Jose Burciaga, Jr., Michael Harrington, Kevin Hartman

TYH’s Cracked Crystal Ball: KC’s inconsistent second half of the season will land them with a tough first-round match up with New York. They will lose both matches, but ironically, KC’s home match in the opening round will break all MLS attendance records.
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The Bad – In the modern vernacular, “bad” doesn’t always mean terrible, as Run-DMC once put it, “Not bad meaning bad, but bad meaning good, uh!.” The duality of the word reflects the duality of these teams. They could go either way, and their success or failure will be determined in the second half of the season.

5) DC UNITED – DC is the Jekyll and Hyde of MLS, occasionally playing unbeatable, skillfull soccer before losing inexplicably to Real Salt Lake. I considered dropping them into the “ugly” category, but the strength of their roster and their recent string of good play has them occasionally running with the big dogs. Like Houston, DC started poorly, losing every April match before going 6-1-2 in May and June. United seem to be finding their form in spite of first-year head coach Tom Soehn’s tinkering and mistakes (TYH’s take on Soehn). A large part of their recent success has been the better midfield play of Fred and Christian Gomez, and fellow South American Luciano Emilio has finally begun to find the form that he showed in preseason in the CONCACAF Champions’ Cup.

Keys to victory: Even with a much improved offense, DC’s defense is terrible. There has been some improvement with the addition of national team veteran Greg Vanney, but having to trade Facundo Erpen (who hasn’t played as well as last year) made an already thin defense thinner. The pundits say that teams have figured out DC’s defense, but if you watch the goals they allow, it appears more like a lack of communication among the backline. DC need Bobby Boswell and Vanney to provide some stability if they are going to reclaim past glory.

Players to watch: Luciano Emilo, Nicholas Addlery, Bobby Boswell

TYH’s Cracked Crystal Ball: Soehn will be replaced by Ray Hudson following their first-round loss to Dallas. Then, they will all have a big laugh at his first press conference before firing Hudson and hiring a real coach.
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6) NEW YORK – Red Bull NY was really close to being placed in the “good” group, but a defense as holey as the Pope on Sunday, dropped them into bad. They have one of the best strikers ever to play in Major League Soccer in Juan Pablo Angel, but it doesn’t matter if you score six goals, if you then allow seven. Like their I-95 rivals, New York appear to have a split personality. At times, they are unbeatable; at others, they are unwatchable. Who will show up in the second half and has the addition of Kevin Goldthwaite and Chris Leitch improved the defense?

Keys to victory: Defense…Defense. We know they can score. Along with JPA, New York has some talented offensive players like Jozy Altidore and Dane Richards, but the defense is still suspect after the moves that Coach Bruce Arena has made. NY also need Dema Kovalenko back, along with a healthy Claudio Reyna to keep the midfield working.

Players to watch: Dane Richards, Juan Pablo Angel, Jozy Altidore

TYH’s Cracked Crystal Ball: In a guns-a-blazing first-round showdown with Kansas City, JPA will score the winner and New York will advance on aggregate 11-10. They will lose in the second round when Arena decides to play his patented 9-0-1 formation.
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7) LOS ANGELES – The Galaxy are in turmoil. And the league bosses are sweating it big time. Thanks to some piss-poor play in the first half of the season, the arrival, amid much fanfare, of David Beckham might not matter one iota. Beckham is the basket in which L.A. has placed all of their eggs (witness the Countdown to Beckham clock on mlsnet.com). The “glass is half full” perspective on the Galaxy is that MLS has given the fewest first-half matches in order to maximize the value of Beckham’s midseason arrival, so they still have 18 to play. The “glass is half empty” view, well, is that they have only scored 13 points in 12 matches.

Keys to victory: Say it with me: David Beckham. David Beckham. David Beckham. Beckham will have somewhere in the neighborhood of 15 games with Los Angeles this season (give or take due to England call-ups). If he makes the impact that Alexi Lalas and others are hoping he makes, they will make the playoffs no problem and might even have a shot at picking up some hardware, but if he goes all Lothar Matthäus on L.A., they are in trouble. Also, fans will need to watch how Landon Donovan responds to being the No.2 guy on the team now. If LanDo pouts, they could have some problems.

Players to watch: David Beckham, Landon Donovan

TYH’s Cracked Crystal Ball: Los Angeles will play New England in the first round without Becks, who will be making a new movie produced and directed by Tom Cruise, called “I Now Pronounce You Tom and David” about two guys who have to pretend their gay in order to make out with one another.
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8) TORONTO – Despite an up-and-down season, TFC have already won a major victory for an expansion team because they are putting asses in the seats and putting more established MLS clubs like Kansas City to shame, by drawing on average 20,000 to each game. Away from home, though, Toronto have played like an expansion side, with only one win in eight matches. Since their 0-4 start, Coach Mo Johnston has tinkered with the side, trading and trading again. Has it worked?

Keys to victory: Easy pick for Toronto MVP right now is Danny Dichio. It is absolutely essential if TFC have playoff aspirations that Dichio continues to provide the offense. Also essential is keeping a volatile Jeff Cunningham focused. We have already seen what he can do to a locker room and judging by his recent antics against his former club RSL, trouble may be brewing once again. Cunningham is a douche and TFC’s only hope is to keep him focused on winning, rather than on himself (good luck with that one).

Players to watch: Maurice Edu, Jim Brennan, Jeff Cunningham

TYH’s Cracked Crystal Ball: Toronto will make it into the playoffs as an eight seed and will upset the No.1 seed, thanks in large part to DeRo’s Canadian roots, but they will lose in the second round after Jeff Cunningham leaves the field and refuses to return after an opposing player calls him a bumba clot and hurts his feelings.
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9) CHIVAS USA – Chivas USA have been in the league for two years now, but at times they still look like an expansion team. They were very close to dropping into the “ugly” section, but some superb play by former Cuban defector Maykel Galindo and some solid wins versus New England and Dallas has them on bubble between terrible and mediocre. Chivas have been doing just enough to get points in matches, but they could be dangerous if they sneak into the playoffs as an eighth seed.

Keys to victory: Chivas USA have two solid goalkeepers in Brad Guzan and Preston Burpo, and they are the main reason that Chivas are even in sniffing distance of the playoffs at midseason. Their 15 goals against is the second-lowest total in the league. Keeping Galindo healthy will be essential to the any success the team hopes to have. But Chivas are going to need some lucky bounces and possible a player trade in order to stay in the hunt for a playoff spot.

Players to watch: Maykel Galindo, Paulo Nagamura, Ante Razov

TYH’s Cracked Crystal Ball: Chivas USA will miss the playoffs but will win the award for hottest cheerleaders. VIva ChivaGirls!
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10) COLUMBUS – The Crew are on a bit of a roll recently, winning four of their last five matches. Quality wins over title contenders Kansas City and New York must have the hardhats spinning in Columbus. But considering the Crew could only manage one win in the 12 matches prior should raise a red flag. So, how in the world do they have 22 points? Draws, draws and more draws. Columbus have posted a league-high seven draws.

Keys to victory: Columbus’ midseason resurgence has been due in large part to Argentine midfielder Guillermo Barros Schelotto. It took him a while to gel with his teammates, but Columbus is seeing glimmers of what could be if he can create a working partnership with his front-runners. Youngster Robbie Rogers is having an excellent U-20 tournament and needs to bring that form with him to the Crew when he returns. The defense has had lapses in some games, but goalkeepers Andy Gruenebaum and Will Hesmer have assisted the backline en route to six shutouts this season.

Players to watch: Guillermo Barros Schelotto, Robbie Rogers, Danny O’Rourke

TYH’s Cracked Crystal Ball: Columbus will miss the playoffs but will break the record for draws in a season. They will celebrate by replacing “Buck-a-Brat” night with “Kiss Your Sister” night.
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The Ugly – A wise man once said, beauty is only skin deep, but ugly is to the bone. The following teams fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch. I mean, their mothers had to tie a pork chop around their necks to get the dog to play with them. They’re so ugly, when they walk into the bank the tellers turn off the cameras. They’re so ugly, when they were born their parents named them Shit Happens. They’re so ugly…Well, you get the picture.

11) COLORADO – Colorado’s woes have already been documented on this site (click here), and there doesn’t appear to be light at the end of the tunnel (unless of course you count to train bearing down on Clavijo’s job). With 17 points from 17 games, Colorado will need a miracle to turn this season around. Clavijo supporters may point to the injuries and call-ups that the team has had to endure but their problems rest in a poorly constructed roster that lacks a proven goalscorer.

Keys to victory: Colorado needs a marquee goalscorer. Right now, they are relying on Herculez Gomez and Roberto Brown who have a grand total of seven goals between the two of them. Conor Casey has been a complete bust (everywhere he has played) and Jovan Kirovski has been moved back into the midfield to help plug injury holes (that sounds kind of dirty). Unless the Rapids can make a major acquisition through trade or discovery, their season and Clavijo’s job are in serious jeopardy.

Players to watch: Terry Cooke, Pablo Mastroeni, Kyle Beckerman

TYH’s Cracked Crystal Ball: Colorado will replace Clavijo at season’s end by looking on craigslist and answering this ad Retired Professional Soccer Player will train your team. This is an actual ad. I think it is Lee Scroggins.
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12) CHICAGO – Ah, Chicago. Where do I begin? You would think Peter Wilt was still GM with the ridiculous moves they have been making up there in the suburbs of the Windy City, including betting the franchise on the tired legs of a 34-year-old Mexican. Few are predicting that Cuauhtémoc Blanco will have the impact that Beckham is likely have in L.A. or that Juan Pablo Angel has already had for New York. The Fire have managed only four wins in 15 matches and have now named their third head coach this season – Juan Carlos Osorio. And you have to wonder whether the decision to hire Osorio was influenced by Blanco (a Spanish-speaking coach with a history of working with Latin and South American players…hmm). Whatever their motivation for hiring Osorio, he has a difficult task ahead of him.

Keys to victory: Chicago’s defense is one of the oldest in the leagues and their attacking players can’t score goals. Forwards Chris Rolfe and Chad Barrett have shared duties, but neither is up to the task of leading a team into the playoffs. Blanco isn’t up to putting this team on his shoulders either (think Luis Hernandez circa 2000) and Osorio appears to have his sights set elsewhere. In short, better luck next year.

Players to watch: Blanco, Justin Mapp, Thiago

TYH’s Cracked Crystal Ball: Chicago will finish in the Eastern Conference basement and will announce in the off-season it has acquired 40-year-old Mexican midfielder Alberto Garcia Aspe.
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13) REAL SALT LAKE – Real World Salt Lake is the worst of all the Real Worlds. It’s not that there isn’t drama because there isn’t. And it isn’t because the players aren’t interesting because they’re not. It’s because everyone is aware of the cameras and they are just phoning it in and biding their time till they get their invitations to the Road Rules/Real World Challenge. Seriously, what can you say about RSL that a 1-7-6 record doesn’t say for you.

Keys to Victory: You’re kidding right? Ok, how about you move the franchise to Seattle. Sell Freddy Adu to Europe. Get rid of that stupid nickname and start the hell over.

Players to watch: (imagine the sound of crickets here)

TYH’s Cracked Crystal Ball: In the offseason, RSL change their name to the Salt Lake Fightin’ Mormons and hire Brazilian ex-forward Tita as their new coach.